TIGER MOM TO YUMMY MUMMY

By Shilpi Shukla Alexander

American lawyer Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has had parents from round the globe reviewing their parenting style. For youngsters, tiger moms are a strict no-no. What’s the take of Indian mothers on the same? A discussion…

Photo credit: photostock

Writer-lawyer Amy Chua swears by the principle: strict upbringing helps build children’s career and life. In her book, the writer proudly talks about how she made her daughter do 2,000 sums every night till she topped in mathematics in her class! One of the most controversial books, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has created a buzz that very few books on parenting have managed to.

In Chua’s opinion, while western parents are extremely anxious about their children’s self-esteem, Chinese parents aren’t. “They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently,” says the writer. While some Chinese parents might believe that their kids owe them everything, as Chua puts it, the pertinent question here is: how does the Indian mother fare in the parenting business? 

Maniacal momzilla

Known for their unconditional love, benevolence and sacrifice, Indian mothers have always been the prime mover behind their children. Little wonder that many blockbuster movies have centered on the theme of mother-child love. Lines like – mere pass ma hai (I have my mother by my side) – define the essence of popular Hindi cinema. However, with changing times, priorities and rising competition, how do we define Indian mothers today? Where do they fit in the polemic between the tiger moms and the ones who practice benign neglect? Is the Indian ma a tyrant to her kids, the one who over-pampers her kiddo or someone who, as a dear friend and guide, helps her child grow with strong value systems?

 “There is a mix of ideologies here. She sometimes masquerades as a martyrish Nirupa Roy character. At other times, she is the aggressive Kaikeyi, the king-maker, and can set off an entire epic. There are those who are constantly trying to stimulate their children's cerebrum, and also those who rather follow Kahlil Gibran's liberal philosophy that your children are not really your children but the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself . . .,” says social commenter Neetika Batra.

English lecturer Geetika Soni couldn’t agree more - “While some mothers are hard task-masters who expect their kids to excel in every field – be it maths or music, others just expect the child to work hard in everything he does,” she adds.

Even if they are few in number, the woeful tales of oppressed kids are innumerable. “My mother just hates second rankers and runner-ups. For her someone is either a toper or a complete loser. At times it seems that I study, play, sing or dance not for myself but for her. I am expected to top in every field!” says an anguished Arshi Jain (name changed), a student of Class 8 in Delhi. Arshi’s not the only case. A good athlete, Gaurav Madaan has now stopped participating in his school’s annual sports day events. “It was suicidal to watch my mother howl in front of my batch-mates and teachers every time I was declared second in a race.”

Haven’t we seen moms who fret if their children don’t score full marks in mathematics? Or losing sleep over their school or college admissions? Aren’t we aware of those moms who pop up just everywhere from their child’s parents-teachers meeting to basketball practice sessions?

Chua’s theory claims that the ultimate veto is in the hands of the parents who can override the child’s preference. She believes children inherently aren’t interested in work, so it’s the responsibility of parents to overrule their likes.

So does tiger momism really help children? “It doesn’t,” says senior psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh. “Mothers who believe in physical or verbal spanking only sow seeds of emotional trauma and loss of self worth in a child. The poor child, subconsciously, struggles with this feeling of self-hatred till his last breath. There’s a lot of difference between nurturing your child with good values and education, and enjoying absolute rule very his very existence. Tiger momism, in every sense, is a wrong concept,” adds Chugh.

The yummy mummy

Photo credit: Healingdream

Nevertheless, psychiatrists and social experts vouch for the valued-based style of Indian parenting. They believe that Indian mothers have evolved over the years and are experimenting like never before. They attend parenting seminars, put their children in alternative schools, and go the extra mile in democratising choices. “Many Indian mothers are pushy, result-oriented and focused on academic performance like some Chinese. However, most Indian parents are nurturers and affectionate. Apparently, some Chinese parents don’t allow kids to watch TV, but in India it’s an over- dose of TV, computers and other gizmos,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Chirag Sen.

So what does it really take for today's mothers to produce a generation of achievers? Many Indian mothers and youngsters believe that it only takes the right way to approach the children and share their opinions with them.

“Medical science has proven that children today are smarter than their parents. They ought to be trusted and respected. Not that they pay heed to what you say. Just that you have to know how to say it,” says Sneha Gulati, mother of two teenage daughters. “If my parents want me to excel in my career, that’s because they love me and want to see me happy in life. They are always the first ones to hold me each time I fall. They are the ones who cheer me up, every time I lose. And this is what makes their dreams, mine,” says Falon David, a Bangalore-based MBA aspirant. For many youngsters like Sunidhi Chopra, freedom comes with acceptable conditions. “My parents are my friends. I can’t be out too late, but that’s fine with me. Sleep-over is ok only with friends whom my parents know. The best part is that we understand and respect each other’s viewpoint.”

If modern-day ads are really imitating life, we could well believe that more and more Indian mothers are increasingly accepting the weaknesses of their children and just letting them be.

(This article was featured in BR International, a HongKong publication)