My Friend, my Anchor

 

You hug them without inhibitions, there are no pretensions in this relationship — you are you and they are they, you love them, they know it, they love you, you know it! You know you can ask them to ‘shut up’ or wake them up at midnight for that shoulder to cry on … But, is it possible that sometimes we take this loving relationship a little too casually? We forget that we are fortunate to have been gifted with  this beautiful relationship – FRIENDSHIP. Let’s find out what it takes to keep this beautiful relationship forever beautiful.

In kindergarten, your good friends shared their red crayons and chips with you. In Class XII, they helped you ‘win’ your girl and get the model test sets. After graduation they told you ‘she didn’t deserve you’ every time your girl ditched you. Then they went out of their way so that you could marry the one you loved and were the happiest when your baby called them ‘uncllll’.

The definition of a friend may change at different stages of our life, but the importance of a friend remains unchanged throughout the years.

“A good friend always remembers who we were and sees what we can be” – Unknown

Psychologists claim that having relatives does not increase your lifespan but having friends does.

How do friendships grow?

Friendships need time to grow and strengthen. Always accept your friends as they are. Don’t expect them to change for you. Be a good listener and refrain from offering advice or moralizing every time. Respect your friends’ point of view. Try to keep your cool when they are angry. Also, try to be with them not only when you need them but also when they need you. Most importantly, appreciate your friends. Be a true confidant who treasures friends’ secrets in his heart. Always guide and stop them when they go astray. Don’t crib over small issues. Be understanding when your friends come up with a last minute change in plans. And if it’s you who changes the plan, learn to say sorry.

Strengthen your friendship

• Just a few harsh words can break your friends’ heart.
• Your friends might not want to share everything with you. Understand their feelings.
• Don’t be dominating or authoritative.
• Never betray your friends’ trust.
• Never criticize or chide your friends in public.
• Never support your friends when they are wrong.
• Never lie or boast before your friends.
• Be there when they need you but don’t forget to respect their space.

Keeping in touch …

Howsoever far or busy you might be, always keep in touch with your friends to make them feel that they are still an important part of your life. Try the following:

• Send e-mails.
• Call once a week or twice. It does not take too long to connect hearts.
• Keep in touch through brief messages left on answering machines or SMSs.
• Send an occasional card.
• Send recent snaps with your family, friends and colleagues. This will make them feel included in your happiness.

Why do friendships break?

You were best of friends and never had an argument before. Then how did the friendship break? Misunderstanding and miscommunication can separate even the closest of friends. Generally the issues are trivial, which if not resolved immediately, may result in break-ups. According to senior psychologist Madhumati Singh, “It is not that friends begin disliking each other, but after sometime, the informal bond starts converting into a taken-for-granted relationship. In friendships that break, either both or one of the friends eventually becomes short-tempered, uses rough language and gives less time to the other. This communication gap creates space for misinterpretations between the two.” Over-expectations, ego clashes and competition in financial status, academic level or job, can lead to breaking of bonds.

When Friendship Hurts

Everybody makes mistakes, even our nearest and dearest friends. That is a truism that can’t be avoided or changed. So, what do you do when a friend says or does something that hurts you? Here are some tips.

Keep Things In Perspective: Some days we’re much more sensitive than others. The same comment that hit a nerve on Thursday wouldn’t have fazed you on Friday, so it’s important to keep things in perspective. Just as we can occasionally have a bad day, so can our friends. Illness, personal problems, or even lack of sleep can cause friends to say or do hurtful things unintentionally.

The Molehills: Small slights and harmless mistakes happen all the time in every type of relationship. Most of them should be ignored. After all, we wouldn’t want someone harping on every mistake we make. But, there are times when you just can’t let it go, no matter how small – or the hurtful thing may be something that is done repeatedly. Then you need to sit and talk. Most of the time, our friend may not realize we are angry about something.

The Mountains: Some errors are mountainous when it comes to the kind of pain they cause, and cannot be ignored. A natural reaction to something a friend does that seriously hurts us may be to walk away and wait for an apology. But, why wait around with your feelings all in an uproar? Talk to your friend about what he or she has done as soon as possible. Perhaps the entire incident was a big misunderstanding, perhaps not.

Don’t Hold A Grudge: Whether the problem was a minor molehill or an immense mountain, once you’ve said, “I forgive you”, be true to your word. If you’ve truly forgiven your friend for the error, you won’t treat him/her any differently than before the incident, and you’d never bring it up again.

The Unforgivable: Sadly, there are times when a friend says or does something to us that we find unforgivable, and that basically spells the end of the friendship. Only you can decide what type of mistake falls into that category.

Setting limits …

For maintaining long-term friendships, set certain limits. For example: a friend never makes it to the end of the month on a budget and you end up paying his bills. There cannot be a long-term solution to something like this. In friendship, a balance must be maintained. Remember you are not being helpful – you are simply creating a parasite!

Your friend is someone who doesn’t hesitate before telling you your follies and is the first one to walk side by side with you, be it in good times or bad. It is a matter of fact, that as the relationship keeps on strengthening, it also becomes more and more delicate as well. Let’s simply make a promise never to hurt a friend!                            

                                                                                                              

LIVING TOGETHER… TODAY OR FOREVER?

LIVING TOGETHER... TODAY OR FOREVER?


By Shilpi Shukla Alexander


The bold, intrepid and enterprising young guns today are not just venturing into new and quite unheard career avenues. Their hits n trials have also begun permeating into a one-time concrete and non-porous institution, called marriage. A peep into the various facets of living-in relationships…

Are the smart, bold and professionally proficient Adams and Eves of today, insecure? Or are they futuristic and pragmatic? The reason could be either, but the fact in the contemporary times is that the chiselled beauties and handsome hunks strongly feel that along with financial independence it is quite pertinent to have a ‘first hand’ experience with their partners before committing themselves to a marriage. And thus begins a live-in relationship?

In the opinion of many in the young mob, such warm-up sessions help both of them in future to live up to each one’s expectation and enable them to avoid situations like extra-marital affair or divorce.

Although it is the product of western society, its rage and vogue can be felt and acclaimed all over the globe. The wave of living together is the most uprising social issue in urban India. With the turn of the century, its impact is deeply seen in the minds of Gen-X males and females even living in sub-urbs and small towns of the nation.

A non-debatable debate

“What is the problem in living together?” questions Sneha Arora, a management student, who has recently shifted to her boyfriend’s apartment. “Neither do I view it as a dry run. We will get married if this works for say 6 months. It helps to see how your ‘dream partner’ is 24/7, and then you can really ascertain if this is what you want.” A web designer Kartik Sen adds in accord, “What is so horrible about living with a person you love without legalising the union? Just having a piece of paper does not forecast a long and happy relationship, it’s the little compromises one makes that go far. It’s better to learn making those adjustments before marriage. So why does a little piece of paper matter so much to the Indian community?” So are there adjustments involved?

Easy, aren’t they?

Is living-in not a easier way of enjoying the company of your beloved without any legal binding? Almost all living-in couples proclaim that living together is not easy. “There are so many things about Rahul that literally irritate me. To mention a few: mess in the bathroom, not sorting laundry, not keeping the things in order, never helping in the kitchen and littering the cigarette-ash everywhere except in the ash-tray.” So, beware! Even if you love someone a lot, living together requires a lot of adjustments. Shashank Mittal, an event manager maintains, “Live-in relationships are just as difficult as marriage.” He explains, “And though the legal issues are not there, it in no way means that the amount of effort, commitment is any less.”

Proud to be an Indian

India – We are proud of its culture and traditions. It’s mythological and historical background boasts of grahastha ashram (in ancient times, a boy was supposed to get married at the age of 25, after he was done with his education at gurukul. And in the same country, this western concept crept in very smoothly and tranquilly. Is living-in relationship not an obscene mockery of our rich culture and traditions? “Look at the divorce rate in the country today and you will see that we definitely have a concern. Young, educated and employed people are having problems adjusting to each other,” live-in couple, Ayesha and Atul counter unanimously. Vipul Sachdeva, a chartered accountant adds, “I have friends who went into live in relationships but with marriage as the next step in mind. I believe that Indian mindset and the cultural milieu in which we are brought up deems marriage as a very sacred and pious act and sex as an aftermath of this. Thus something like live-in surely disturbs this image.” So, the next spontaneous issue is ‘sex’.

For love or sex?

Sharing the same apartment, the same kitchen, the same bathroom,……, the same bedroom. Need I say more? Sharing the same bed, sleeping together, waking up together,…… Isn’t something amiss? Does live-in relationship lead to sex or is it vice-versa? Sex is an inevitable aspect of a live-in relationship. Howsoever much it may be avoided in the initial days of being together (if at all it is!) A live-in couple reasons, “Most guys and gals have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. At least we don’t have to book a room in the hotel and get caught.” Quite bold, isn’t it! But doesn’t it destroy our cultural fabric? “I don’t think that live-in relationship would destroy the cultural fabric; merely correct the prudish and Neanderthal period attitude that we have towards sex,” feels call centre executive. Not to forget the recent ‘unmarried parents’ Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes who have set new ‘Hollywood’ standards for this sexual liaison before marriage.

Before going in for a living-in…

It might seem exciting and fun but keep in mind that you are not married. There is no commitment involved. You both are just sharing a room and space. So just reconsider these points before taking the final decision ---

• There is no commitment (legal, financial or social) involved in this relationship.
• Be ready to compromise. There will be adjustment problems. Your partner might do certain things that drive you crazy. And they will not change it just because you are there. So you better get used to it.
• You both will be financially independent but money matters will be a sore subject. Be clear with your partner from the beginning how you want to settle this and deal with it. The death of a live-in relationship can be financially devastating. Without the legal protections of marriage, partners need to think strategically about protecting themselves.
• You might feel a lack of private space when you both start living in because till now you were used to being alone and on your own. Now you have to live with someone so be prepared for everything.
• The only time when living together before marriage doesn’t pose a threat to your relationship is after you’ve gotten engaged, have formally announced your engagement and set a wedding date.
  
  

Since you’ve publicly committed to be with each other forever staying together at this point will make your relation more exciting and romantic. Simply think twice before deciding to live with your partner. As the fact remain ---- There is no evidence that if you decide to try a live in relation before marriage you will have a stronger marriage.

A journey called ‘marriage’

A JOURNEY CALLED 'MARRIAGE'

By Shilpi Shukla Alexander

Before venturing into a journey of a thousand miles, try taking a few steps together…

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step (- Lao Tzu). We are all travelers in the wilderness of this world, and the best we can find in our travels is an honest friend. This is much beyond being just a saying or a philosophy. The true essence of this aphorism is best understood by couples who have traveled together and acknowledged how further they could travel in each other’s company.

This is how the life-journey of Ritika Verma and Rohit Kaushik kick started. Rohit and Ritika decided to go on a 10-day trip from Bharatpur to Kanha via Ranthambore, Shivpuri, Khajuraho and Bandhavgarh. What had started as a study tour for these research sudents of wildlife conservation, eventually transformed into a beautiful journey of love and fondness.

“These 10 days gave us time to know and understand each other. By the end of the trip, I knew that he was the man for me,” recalls Ritika. For Rohit, it was a dream come true. “Oh! In my dreams, I often found myself walking hand in hand with my beau in a dense forest,” says Rohit, “I fell for Ritika’s compassionate and thoughtful nature. She made my dream come true.”    

So, for all those for whom travelling till now has just meant sight-seeing, this is a new perspective. Spending quiet and serene time with your beloved really goes a long way in deciding whether he/she’s the right choice for you. For not all marriages are made in heaven. Consider this…

Software professional Sandhya Sinha and businessman Karan Karnik had been seeing each other for over five years now. It was time that they got married. While their families were fixing the marriage date, the exultant couple decided to flee to a romantic destination. These seven days changed their very opinion about their five-year-long courtship. On being approached, Sandhya’s mother finally revealed, “Though, I don’t know much details, it was their opposite habits and lifestyles that made them apprehensive about their relationship.” Giving one example, she says, “Sandhya is very particular about cleanliness. Karan’s unhygienic and grimy habits annoyed her. Karan in turn was really incensed by her nagging behaviour.”

Spending a few days or weeks alone with your chum helps you know him/her better. Besides, your own aspirations become comprehensible to you in that state of solitude and quiet.

Travel writer Priti Saraswat explains, “Breaking away from your daily monotonous routine and staying away from all your friends and foes, gives you ample time for knowing your true self. It is easier to find answers to most of your unanswered questions during those moments of peace and serenity.” She adds, “When a duo sits with that unruffled mind, it really helps in pondering over every minor and major issue related to their relationship with a lucid and broader perspective.”

In the words of Miriam Beard — Travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.  

Even professional trips go a long way in making one understand his colleagues better. Actress Amrita Arora says, “There were actors whom I didn’t like earlier. But during my outdoor shootings with them, I got to know their actual selves. Today, many of them are my close friends and well wishers.”

Grapevine has it that Kajol and Ajay Devgan started dating each other when they spent quality time with each other during their outdoor shoots for Pyar To Hona Hi Tha, Ishq and Hulchul.

Should we sum it up as saying that if you can enjoy a short travel trip with your pal, you can surely enjoy the long life-trip with him or her? Perhaps yes. At least this is what the experience of advertising personnel Vinit Gangwar attests. “Me and my ex-girlfriend had gone to Digha (a popular sea resort in West Bengal) to enjoy the sea and each other’s companionship. It was during our outing that we understood how absolutely different we were. She was scared of bathing in the sea; even sun bathing. She did not even enjoy barbeque; leave alone enjoying water sports! After our humdrum trip to Ladakh next time, I knew that she was too dull and mind-numbing for an adventurous and exploratory person like me.”

Even going on a tour with a group of friends can be bliss in disguise at times. People often find a virtuous reason to their lives during these tours. Theatre artist Pratigya Suri planned a trip to Puri with her friends. After coming to Orissa, she learnt about the tribal communities of the state. Even after much insistence, none of her friends agreed to visit these tribal areas, but Rishi. After their month long trip to the adivasi areas of Chatikona Kondh, Taptapani, Rayagada and Jeypore, Pratigya and Rishi knew two things. First, that these tribal people needed their assistance for development and growth. Second… that they had found their soul-mates in each other. For the last five years Rishi and Pratigya (Now Mrs Rishi Gupta) are working for the upheaval of tribal clans. They conduct theatre shows to promote education and awareness among these deprived and unprivileged communities.

Possibly now we understand what the words of Martin Buber meant when he said — “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.”

Marriage is not so trivial a decision to be taken in alacrity. Spend quiet, beautiful and illuminating moments with your would-be; away from the clatter and clamour of your customary life, so as to be able to hear what your heart actually says, to understand what your life wants.