LIVING TOGETHER… TODAY OR FOREVER?

LIVING TOGETHER... TODAY OR FOREVER?


By Shilpi Shukla Alexander


The bold, intrepid and enterprising young guns today are not just venturing into new and quite unheard career avenues. Their hits n trials have also begun permeating into a one-time concrete and non-porous institution, called marriage. A peep into the various facets of living-in relationships…

Are the smart, bold and professionally proficient Adams and Eves of today, insecure? Or are they futuristic and pragmatic? The reason could be either, but the fact in the contemporary times is that the chiselled beauties and handsome hunks strongly feel that along with financial independence it is quite pertinent to have a ‘first hand’ experience with their partners before committing themselves to a marriage. And thus begins a live-in relationship?

In the opinion of many in the young mob, such warm-up sessions help both of them in future to live up to each one’s expectation and enable them to avoid situations like extra-marital affair or divorce.

Although it is the product of western society, its rage and vogue can be felt and acclaimed all over the globe. The wave of living together is the most uprising social issue in urban India. With the turn of the century, its impact is deeply seen in the minds of Gen-X males and females even living in sub-urbs and small towns of the nation.

A non-debatable debate

“What is the problem in living together?” questions Sneha Arora, a management student, who has recently shifted to her boyfriend’s apartment. “Neither do I view it as a dry run. We will get married if this works for say 6 months. It helps to see how your ‘dream partner’ is 24/7, and then you can really ascertain if this is what you want.” A web designer Kartik Sen adds in accord, “What is so horrible about living with a person you love without legalising the union? Just having a piece of paper does not forecast a long and happy relationship, it’s the little compromises one makes that go far. It’s better to learn making those adjustments before marriage. So why does a little piece of paper matter so much to the Indian community?” So are there adjustments involved?

Easy, aren’t they?

Is living-in not a easier way of enjoying the company of your beloved without any legal binding? Almost all living-in couples proclaim that living together is not easy. “There are so many things about Rahul that literally irritate me. To mention a few: mess in the bathroom, not sorting laundry, not keeping the things in order, never helping in the kitchen and littering the cigarette-ash everywhere except in the ash-tray.” So, beware! Even if you love someone a lot, living together requires a lot of adjustments. Shashank Mittal, an event manager maintains, “Live-in relationships are just as difficult as marriage.” He explains, “And though the legal issues are not there, it in no way means that the amount of effort, commitment is any less.”

Proud to be an Indian

India – We are proud of its culture and traditions. It’s mythological and historical background boasts of grahastha ashram (in ancient times, a boy was supposed to get married at the age of 25, after he was done with his education at gurukul. And in the same country, this western concept crept in very smoothly and tranquilly. Is living-in relationship not an obscene mockery of our rich culture and traditions? “Look at the divorce rate in the country today and you will see that we definitely have a concern. Young, educated and employed people are having problems adjusting to each other,” live-in couple, Ayesha and Atul counter unanimously. Vipul Sachdeva, a chartered accountant adds, “I have friends who went into live in relationships but with marriage as the next step in mind. I believe that Indian mindset and the cultural milieu in which we are brought up deems marriage as a very sacred and pious act and sex as an aftermath of this. Thus something like live-in surely disturbs this image.” So, the next spontaneous issue is ‘sex’.

For love or sex?

Sharing the same apartment, the same kitchen, the same bathroom,……, the same bedroom. Need I say more? Sharing the same bed, sleeping together, waking up together,…… Isn’t something amiss? Does live-in relationship lead to sex or is it vice-versa? Sex is an inevitable aspect of a live-in relationship. Howsoever much it may be avoided in the initial days of being together (if at all it is!) A live-in couple reasons, “Most guys and gals have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. At least we don’t have to book a room in the hotel and get caught.” Quite bold, isn’t it! But doesn’t it destroy our cultural fabric? “I don’t think that live-in relationship would destroy the cultural fabric; merely correct the prudish and Neanderthal period attitude that we have towards sex,” feels call centre executive. Not to forget the recent ‘unmarried parents’ Angelina Jolie-Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes who have set new ‘Hollywood’ standards for this sexual liaison before marriage.

Before going in for a living-in…

It might seem exciting and fun but keep in mind that you are not married. There is no commitment involved. You both are just sharing a room and space. So just reconsider these points before taking the final decision ---

• There is no commitment (legal, financial or social) involved in this relationship.
• Be ready to compromise. There will be adjustment problems. Your partner might do certain things that drive you crazy. And they will not change it just because you are there. So you better get used to it.
• You both will be financially independent but money matters will be a sore subject. Be clear with your partner from the beginning how you want to settle this and deal with it. The death of a live-in relationship can be financially devastating. Without the legal protections of marriage, partners need to think strategically about protecting themselves.
• You might feel a lack of private space when you both start living in because till now you were used to being alone and on your own. Now you have to live with someone so be prepared for everything.
• The only time when living together before marriage doesn’t pose a threat to your relationship is after you’ve gotten engaged, have formally announced your engagement and set a wedding date.
  
  

Since you’ve publicly committed to be with each other forever staying together at this point will make your relation more exciting and romantic. Simply think twice before deciding to live with your partner. As the fact remain ---- There is no evidence that if you decide to try a live in relation before marriage you will have a stronger marriage.