Secure, is he?

By Shilpi Shukla

A self-doubting, timid and insecure woman has often personified the image of an Indian 

wife since ages. However, the contemporary social scenario has a differing question to put 

forth… Are men today insecure of their women? Let’s unmask the reality…

·        Sheena, an IIM-Ahmedabad postgraduate marries her long-time boyfriend, Ravi, a businessman. Sheena is progressive and climbing up the corporate ladder with assignments, late night meetings and extensive travel. Less qualified and successful than his wife, Ravi starts raising objections to her busy professional schedule soon after their marriage. Although Sheena tried to strike a balance between home and office, their relationship gradually gets more and more strained. Ravi starts drinking heavily and gets involved in illicit relations with other women.

·        A brilliant student, Snigdha, let go of her professional dreams to meet her family responsibilities. Her prudence and winsome persona, however, enable her befriend with individuals and groups quite easily. She’s praised for her sagacity, wit and beauty by one and all. Now, her husband generally doesn’t prefer taking her along to any party or get-together.

A study of their psychological state reveals that most male spouses today are essentially losing their own identity owing to the rapidly changing dimensions of women. The reasons though many are quite unified.

Stepping out of ‘her’ precincts

Who hasn’t heard of hubbies getting grouchy with their wives super success a la’ Amitabh Bachchan in Abhimaan? Working women, who enjoy their jobs and soak in all the add-ons that go with it — chauffeur-driven cars, lavish expense accounts, fancy outstation travel and exciting social interaction, often make their husbands quite unsure of their own identity in the family and even outside.

Husbands today really have reasons in plenty to get insecure of their successful professional wife:

Managing those idle hours: While women more often than not will find something to keep themselves busy when their husbands are not around, turning their dull hours into a constructive learning experience, men don’t echo the same sentiment. They sulk, throw tantrums, give subtle hints about other housewives who run the home more efficiently and lovingly and begin to get more demanding.

Missing the housewife: Men today often feel neglected when they find the qualities of a typical housewife missing in their professional counterparts. As states Ankur Kapoor, a software engineer, “A housewife checks, reprimands, nags and denies her husband his extra drink, cigarette or any other over indulgence. She takes care of the food and health of every member of the family. A busy working woman who not only has limited time but also very clear ideas about her not ‘wasting too much time doing non-productive things around the house’ often makes husbands feel uncared for.”

Financial independence: The monetary independence enjoyed by the wives is often ostracised by the male ego. A media professional, Piyali reveals, “My husband never allows me to spend my salary. And then, he never even forgets to remind me that he runs the family expenses, all on his own.” On the other hand, PR executive Mandvi Sharma is muddled as to why does her husband keep giving her explanations about his current low income and keeps telling her that she would not have to work for long. “At times I feel that he suspects of me of going around with a rich colleague.”

Knowledge matters: An uneducated or less educated wife generally doesn’t have a voice, especially on issues of finance, investment, children education, etc. Education has given women a broader perspective in all pertinent issues. With husband not being that sole decision-maker and taker in the family, he feels affronted and slighted.

Pleasing wife, displeased hubby: “Thanks to all the beauty enhancement techniques coming for their aide, even the ugliest of women can look quite appealing and charming.,” claims beauty expert Ren Sen. Then what to talk about those women who have it all? The sophisticated and erudite Eves today know how can they please the eyes of Adams around. They know what to be dressed in and how to carry themselves. Such a gorgeous persona of their wives, is no doubt a root-cause of worry for poor chaps.

‘Does she need me?”: Owing to their qualification and financial independence, women today are much more confident and poised. Not just working ladies, even housewives are so sure of themselves. They don’t really need their man to escort them to wherever they have to go. The basic insecurity among men is – “women don’t need us...they can handle every situation on their own.” (READ SHEKHAR SUMAN’S QUOTE, THE POINTS CAN BE MERGED)

The twosome: “It has often been marked that women living in joint families are quite submissive. They are more obedient to their husbands and all elders at home,” opines marriage counsellor Suman Sachdeva. On the other hand, the nuclear family concept makes women more independent, confident and decision-making. They form their own social circle and a list of friends that they are always free to invite at home. This independence enjoyed by women of nuclear families makes their husband feel lost and deserted.

(Mis)Using the legal armor: Gone are the days when innumerable women used to silently suffer assaults and abuses everyday inside every second home across the country. Women today have numerous legal remedies that protect their vulnerable position. “Legal shield not only makes them feel protected and assured, but also makes a few of them quite mulish and obdurate,” opines advocate Pooja Dhar. She adds, “Many even misuse law to threaten their husbands.”

Meeting her demands: A lot of research has showed that women today consider themselves no less than men. They are more verbal and expressive about what they want out of their relationship - be it the sexual satisfaction, materialistic need or intellectual compatibility. Senior psychologist, Madhumati Singh asserts, “Wives now want their husbands to share household responsibilities, starting from cooking one-time meals to even mopping the floor if required.” She adds, “While some aggressive women even hesitate taking their introvert and dull partner to her social or professional gatherings, some actually hook up with their colleagues for casual sex.”

Being just the ‘partner’: A tenacious, headstrong career conscious company secretary defines this point well, when she says — “If I ask for my husband’s permission for anything I think is right to do, he might say no. Then what? I would never allow my husband to stop me nor boost up his ego by asking him. He is not my father; he is my partner!” Tanya Shukla, a teacher agrees, “Couples are of more or less the same age. So they no doubt have the same intellectual level as well.”

The male cronies: With most of them having studied in co-ed schools and colleges, women find equal number of friends in both the genders. While having a male friend might not be a special deal for the wife, the issue is quite uncomforting for her spouse. Chartered accountant Rohit Taneja justifies the notion — “One might have full faith in his partner. But the basic mentality of a male can be best judged by a male only. So while I might understand the malafide intentions of my wife’s male friend, she might not.”

Women getting indulged in extra-marital affairs: The suspicion and discomfort among men doesn’t just stem from male chauvinism, but also from instances around. “With so many women getting indulged in extra-marital affairs, men are bound to get insecure about their own partner. The ever-increasing demands of wives from their husbands further add reasons to their discomfort and fear,” feels psychiatrist Sanjay Chugh.   

Celeb Speak: (Shekhar Suman)

“Men often find it difficult to stay at pace with their ‘Super Woman’. The modern day husbands find their wife playing multi roles with a lot of gusto (being the mother, daughter-in-law, colleague, senior/junior/home manager etc..) and efficiency. They are cooking up a meal for guests, driving their kids to the doctor, calling up the car mechanic to check the snag in their car and the list is long. Seeing such high energy level, the so-called ‘stronger sex’ feels feeble before their ‘weaker counterparts’. This is what makes them diffident about their own identity and worth.     

Other prominent reasons that make women secure and men quite self doubting can be summed up as under:

·        Girls now have a lot of financial and moral support from their parents even after marriage.

·        Television and media have given a lot of exposure of women, even semi-literate housewives.

·        Men themselves indulged in extra-marital affairs fear that the bold wife of theirs might retort or replicate the acts.

·        The increasing cases of divorce (most of which are filed by wives) are again adding to the qualms of male spouses.

What do men want?

What husbands say they expect and what they actually expect are not necessarily similar. “In their heart of hearts, a lot of men in urban India still want a wife who will be docile, servile, faithful, transparent, honest, someone will look after them and their families, yet manage to retain her looks and earn money for them,” feels Dr Chugh.

So, do they want themselves to be treated as Gods or pati-parmeshwar as Indian wives have for ages considered their husbands to be? “Not God, but definitely the superior of the 2 sexes,” acclaims Dr Singh. “That’s the way they have evolved, starting from prehistoric times when men went out for hunting and women cooked the meat in the cave and looked after the children. We have to give them time to cope with this fast pace of change that women are going through.”

A study….

A study by University of Chicago sociologist Ross Stolzenberg, published in the American Journal of Sociology points out that husbands of women who worked more than 40 hours a week showed poorer health indicators as compared to men whose wives were housewives or whose wives were in less threatening jobs like teaching or home working. The study had another interesting revelation. If you swap places and put the wives in the non-work mode as opposed to having husbands who clock-in long working hours, they showed relatively more robust health! So are we to conclude that women are better off when hubbies are at work than are men whose wives are at work?

Today’s men need a mix of what their mothers did for them and the power-packed women of today. They need to feel important in their partners' eyes, to be given that hug of acknowledgement and sense of belonging. What they need is some time, understanding and love.