PARTNER Vs PALS

When your spouse hates your friend, letting go of your old pal isn’t the way out


Parul got married to boyfriend Aditya two years back. An introvert, he had few friends of his own and didn’t want Parul to interact much with her friends either. After they got married, she gradually drifted away from her pals.


Snigdha’s boyfriend Gaurav did not approve of her best friend Shweta. He wanted Snigdha to part with her. Snigdha had a tough time trying to convince Gaurav not to make such a demand. Finally, she took a stand.
She asked Gaurav to better call it quits with her for she found no reason for breaking ties with her childhood friend Shweta. Gaurav soon realised his mistake. Though, Gaurav and Shweta still don’t meet or talk to each other, he knows that Shweta is an integral part of his girlfriend’s life and now respects their friendship.


Gossiping all day, enjoying pani-puri on the roadside, giggling at those not-so-funny incidents, crying on the other’s shoulders, keeping each other’s secrets, and calling each other up at ungodly hours to share something utterly stupid… the time spent with friends is one of the most wonderful periods of life.


But what do you do when your partner can’t accept your friendships? Absolutely ludicrous as the whole suggestion may sound, many close ties go awry and wear away eventually because of ‘the spouse’.
Many prefer bartering away their friendship, willingly or unwillingly, for the sake of peace in the house. “We wouldn’t be married without my best friend Sumeet’s support. From convincing Ekta’s parents to making all marriage arrangements, Sumeet had managed it all.


Initially, my wife and Sumeet bonded well. Soon after marriage, Ekta started avoiding Sumeet; she wouldn’t even come out of her room whenever he came home. He is the same guy whom she had once tied rakhi to.
Suddenly he was an ‘intruder’. Everything about Sumeet—mannerisms, sense of humour, body language—would drive her mad,” remembers Rohit Saluja, chartered accountant. He adds, “Now that we were married, he was needed no more. Tired of everyday fights with my wife over the issue, I had to distance myself from Sumeet. Thankfully he understood my position. Friends like him are difficult to find. Still I had to lose him.”
Sometimes, one of the partners forges bonds with the spouse’s friends, leaving his/her own behind. Quips writer Chetan Bhagat, “After marriage, either your friend is your wife’s friend too or he’s no more your friend!”


“While I try to befriend all her friends and make them feel comfortable when invited at our home, my wife isn’t nice to most of my friends. While I respect her space and relationships, I wish, she did the same,” says Prakash Paranjpe, a manager. 


“Whenever we had rows, he would bring up my best friend Sapna, criticising her and dismissing her as an intrusive, interfering element in my life,” reveals 27-year-old Aruna Thakkar, a housewife.
Upon realising that she was causing a rift in her best friend’s marriage, Sapna drifted away from me on her own. It’s been two years since. Sapna doesn’t even receive my phone calls,” says a dismal Aruna.
Some individuals don’t approve of their partner’s outings with friends after marriage. So they either go out together or don’t at all. Besides, some have reservations—they approve of one friend, and dismiss the others. It is as though they want to control everything in the partners’ lives, starting with friends.


In one such instance, a Delhi-based couple’s marriage had come to a breaking point. The rift in their relationship had to be mended by a marriage counsellor. It took time, but finally the unreasonable spouse understood that her partner had to be treated as an individual who needed his own space and freedom. She began showing more trust and understanding in the relationship. With time their bond strengthened.
“A reduced social circle leads to low self-esteem, stunted personality, limited social skills and a cloistered existence. This may lead to depressive disorders and ultimately the breaking up of a relationship.
For their own relationship to bloom, both men and women need to understand and appreciate each other’s need for that private space,” says Samir Parikh, senior psychiatrist at Max Healthcare, New Delhi.


Each relationship has its own place and importance in a person’s life. Rather than giving in completely to your other half’s wishes, give due preference to your wishes and desires at times. You need to prioritise.
It’s important to chalk out means by which neither the peace at home nor the age-old friendships suffer. “Even if it means no bringing friends home, it’s easier for guys to catch up with their friends outside home and continue with the friendship.

KAT’s OOMPH

From Boom, the movie in which she is skimpily clad, to Sheila Ki Jawani – the item number in which the actress without baring it all has oozed out that oomph, KATRINA KAIF has surely come a long way. She is sultry yet sweet; intense yet fun-loving. 

SHILPI SHUKLA ALEXANDER gets talking with one of the leading actresses of Bollywood…

Director Farah Khan did keep her promise of giving you the best item number of the year.

Yes she did. With so many fan mails an calls, Sheila Ki Jawani’s success did make me feel like a celebrated artist. Although a major credit goes to Farah as I just almost blindly followed her instructions.

You are rated as the hottest actress of Bollywood today.

This is for the audience to decide. But I don’t find myself hot or sexy.

Do you think you are lucky to have made it so big in Bollywood?
Surely. Not only do I get the best of films, they also turn out to be box office hits. This surely pleases and amazes me. However, I do wish that I was as lucky with bagging awards as well.

Year 2010 has been really good for you.

With hits like Rajneeti and Sheila Ki Jawani, I seriously couldn’t have asked for more. While rajneeti established me as a serious actor, this item number well showcased my dancing skills.

Given the fact that Farah is known for yelling at her crew and actors on the sets, how scary was it for you to work with her in the film?

Oh! I used to enter the sets with my hands trembling. I was so afraid of her initially. But thankfully she never yelled at me. She was either being too sweet to me or my wok did please her.

What qualities should an actress have to stand a chance in Bollywood?
To each his own. In my opinion, other than having loads of acting talent, one does have to have his or her own appeal. You must have something special that sets you apart from the crowd. It could be one’s oomph factor, beauty, grace, intelligence, ethnic looks, expressiveness, chirpiness or anything else. Every actress has her own plus point that draws the audience.

Did you always want to become an actor?

I always dreamt of becoming an actress. Acting was my biggest passion. But I never wanted to pick just any role in haste to make a place for myself here. With time, right opportunities came my way which I took no time in availing.

What would you be if not a model?

A model.

What kind of movies do you particularly love working on?

While I am open to doing different roles and prove my acting skills in all genres, I particularly love working on romantic comedies. This is one genre I directly relate to. I am eager to work on something like When Harry Met Sally.

Which actors are you keen on sharing screen space with?

I would love to work with Aamir Khan and Shah Rukh Khan. All I am awaiting is a call from a director for one such film.

Actresses are known to never be friends with one another. Have your say.

See. To be social or not is a personal choice, not professional. But if you are talking about professional rivalry, I must say that all of us excel in different genres. While Vidya Balan is known for her ethnic roles, I am good at playing fun roles. It is likewise with all other actresses in the film industry. So where’s the comparison?

What’s your beauty secret?

(Laughs) Onscreen, it is the camera, lighting and the makeup. And offscreen, it’s good food, exercise and mood. I largely credit inner peace and happiness for one’s good looks. So be happy if you don't want wrinkles on your face.

Do you have plans to enter Hollywood?

No Hollywood for me. I am quite happy with where I am at the moment. I might consider a few meaty roles in regional films though.

Which projects do you have in your kitty at the moment?

I have Zara Akhtar’s Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara that stars Hrithik Roshan, Abhay Deol and Farhan Akhtar. Then there is Mere Brother Ki Dulhan opposite Imran Khan.  Next is Dostana 2 opposite Abhishek Bachchan and John Abraham.

Is it true that you are soon planning to settle down with Ranbir Kapoor?

I prefer keeping my personal life to myself.

FREEDOM OF THE F-WORD

By Shilpi Shukla Alexander

Photo Credit: Ambro 

Is it the blatant use of expletives that offend people or is it more about the gender who is swearing? A discussion...

We have recently had Rani Mukerji utter profanities in public in the highly acclaimed movie No One Killed Jessica. The well-lettered sophisticated character that she played in the movie was even heard using the Hindi G-word on a flight – shocking fellow passengers and audience. Not many Rani fans able to take it in their stride while watching the movie. “I had gone to watch the movie with my kids. It was quite discomforting to have Rani Mukerji use foul language. I thought No One Killed Jessica was a family watch,” says chartered accountant Anil Makhija. When asked if he had watched Shah Rukh Khan and Aishwarya Rai starrer Josh, the pat reply was – “Oh! I loved the movie. It was such fun.” The lead song sung by Shah Rukh -  apun bola tu meri laila – despite having ample expletives in the lyrics became quite famous (not infamous though!). Anil does seem to like the song too! Such contrast reactions. Why? “Well, it’s okay for a man to use expletives. Like I didn’t like Aishwarya dancing to the tunes of ishq kamina in the movie Shakti – The Power,” says MBA student Tarun Wanvari.

While it’s never pleasant to hear them from any gender, it’s particularly unpleasant to have the softer sex pour out expletives. Seemingly, it’s never so much about the word as it is about the person swearing it.

It’s not about the word, but the gender

Photo Credit: Ambro

Expletives have always been a part of most cultures and languages. From the most elite to the downtrodden, people from different strata and class have used cuss words since ever. However, women have always been expected to refrain from using foul language. A world used to gender-specific behaviour accepts cuss words far more willingly from men than women. Our literature tells us that there has always been a general understanding that women, who indulge in name-calling, whether in Victorian England or traditional India, haven’t been brought up or educated well. It speaks low of their family backgrounds as also the socio-economic status. 

Gary W Selnow, a professor at the San Francisco State University and director of World Internet Resources for Education and Development (WIRED) wrote in his journal Sex Differences in Uses and Perceptions of Profanities, “Language always serves as the reciprocal role of reflecting shifts in society while simultaneously contributing to the character of that society.” “While my brother could use invectives even in the most casual scenarios, I was never allowed to swear words no matter how pissed off I was. This is the rule I follow for my daughter as well. I think this is the way most girls around the world are brought up,” says Kamini Verma, an English professor. Many women would agree with Kamini.    

Shifting trends

While men may not like it and many women still be wary of swearing words, social experts claim that the social scene is reversing today and women are heard using bad language more than their male counterparts. “Be it the corporate world or colleges, we now get to see more women than men using the F-word. The use of expletives doesn’t remain confined to that,” says Shobha Agarwal, a social commentator. “This probably is the modern woman’s way of expressing her freedom and strength in the corporate-social world,” she adds. 

Rimi Shukla, who has been working as a marketing executive for the last 10 years has seen a sea change in social norms, especially in the work culture. “There was a time when if a male colleague would use a bad word before a woman, he would immediately apologise. Surprisingly, today I notice women pour out profanities more than men, that oo quite apologetically,” she says.  

Agrees psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh, “Women have always had to prove their strength, potential and skill in a society that’s essentially dominated by males. Today working women swear words to pass on the message – don’t mess with me – to their male colleagues.”

Cinema Comes Of Age

A lot has changed in the recent past. With the censor board getting more and more lenient, in many cases than not, many once-forbidden words, dialogues and concepts are getting uncensored entry in Hindi films. Be it the F-word or the ‘usual’ Hindi expletives with kamina or saala, one gets to hear a lot of these in contemporary movies. What with bold and crude movie titles like Kaminey, Ye Saali Zindagi, being the latest rage in Bollywood. “Like it or not, such titles do attract sharp reactions from people and pull masses to cinema halls,” says film trade analyst Taran Adarsh. 

“Gone are the days when an actor would react with a simple “what the hell” and a director would refrain from using cuss words in his script. We are more realistic today,” says filmmaker Vishal Bhardwaj whose films Omkara, Ishqiya and Kaminey had more expletives than one could possibly bear. All three movies were massive hits.

For director Sudhir Mishra nothing could be more annoying than the censor board objecting to the use of the word Saali – in his recent movie Ye Saali Zindagi. As per him, saali is not a gaali (abuse) at all! “In my film, I want to portray the imperfect world we live in today.” Is it the gender of the term that bothers members of the censor board? “The word saala was used 40 years ago in the song saala main toh sahab ban gaya in the movie Sagina, and no one objected to it. This has more to do with the gender of the word,” says Mishra. Nevertheless, the film got an A-certificate.

Defending her expletive role in the movie No One Killed Jessica, actress Rani Mukerji says, “I play a woman who uses Hindi expletives after being vexed enough by the society at large. It’s an expression of her liberation from the clutches of baseless societal norms that only tie women down, not men.” “Had the girl, I play in the movie, not been this tough, she wouldn’t have been able to seek justice in the bad-bad men’s world,” she clears her stand.

Like it or not, the trend seems to be reversing today. Whether for good or worse is quite debatable…

(This article was featured in BR International, a publication for Indians residing in HongKong.)

TIGER MOM TO YUMMY MUMMY

By Shilpi Shukla Alexander

American lawyer Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has had parents from round the globe reviewing their parenting style. For youngsters, tiger moms are a strict no-no. What’s the take of Indian mothers on the same? A discussion…

Photo credit: photostock

Writer-lawyer Amy Chua swears by the principle: strict upbringing helps build children’s career and life. In her book, the writer proudly talks about how she made her daughter do 2,000 sums every night till she topped in mathematics in her class! One of the most controversial books, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom has created a buzz that very few books on parenting have managed to.

In Chua’s opinion, while western parents are extremely anxious about their children’s self-esteem, Chinese parents aren’t. “They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently,” says the writer. While some Chinese parents might believe that their kids owe them everything, as Chua puts it, the pertinent question here is: how does the Indian mother fare in the parenting business? 

Maniacal momzilla

Known for their unconditional love, benevolence and sacrifice, Indian mothers have always been the prime mover behind their children. Little wonder that many blockbuster movies have centered on the theme of mother-child love. Lines like – mere pass ma hai (I have my mother by my side) – define the essence of popular Hindi cinema. However, with changing times, priorities and rising competition, how do we define Indian mothers today? Where do they fit in the polemic between the tiger moms and the ones who practice benign neglect? Is the Indian ma a tyrant to her kids, the one who over-pampers her kiddo or someone who, as a dear friend and guide, helps her child grow with strong value systems?

 “There is a mix of ideologies here. She sometimes masquerades as a martyrish Nirupa Roy character. At other times, she is the aggressive Kaikeyi, the king-maker, and can set off an entire epic. There are those who are constantly trying to stimulate their children's cerebrum, and also those who rather follow Kahlil Gibran's liberal philosophy that your children are not really your children but the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself . . .,” says social commenter Neetika Batra.

English lecturer Geetika Soni couldn’t agree more - “While some mothers are hard task-masters who expect their kids to excel in every field – be it maths or music, others just expect the child to work hard in everything he does,” she adds.

Even if they are few in number, the woeful tales of oppressed kids are innumerable. “My mother just hates second rankers and runner-ups. For her someone is either a toper or a complete loser. At times it seems that I study, play, sing or dance not for myself but for her. I am expected to top in every field!” says an anguished Arshi Jain (name changed), a student of Class 8 in Delhi. Arshi’s not the only case. A good athlete, Gaurav Madaan has now stopped participating in his school’s annual sports day events. “It was suicidal to watch my mother howl in front of my batch-mates and teachers every time I was declared second in a race.”

Haven’t we seen moms who fret if their children don’t score full marks in mathematics? Or losing sleep over their school or college admissions? Aren’t we aware of those moms who pop up just everywhere from their child’s parents-teachers meeting to basketball practice sessions?

Chua’s theory claims that the ultimate veto is in the hands of the parents who can override the child’s preference. She believes children inherently aren’t interested in work, so it’s the responsibility of parents to overrule their likes.

So does tiger momism really help children? “It doesn’t,” says senior psychiatrist Dr Sanjay Chugh. “Mothers who believe in physical or verbal spanking only sow seeds of emotional trauma and loss of self worth in a child. The poor child, subconsciously, struggles with this feeling of self-hatred till his last breath. There’s a lot of difference between nurturing your child with good values and education, and enjoying absolute rule very his very existence. Tiger momism, in every sense, is a wrong concept,” adds Chugh.

The yummy mummy

Photo credit: Healingdream

Nevertheless, psychiatrists and social experts vouch for the valued-based style of Indian parenting. They believe that Indian mothers have evolved over the years and are experimenting like never before. They attend parenting seminars, put their children in alternative schools, and go the extra mile in democratising choices. “Many Indian mothers are pushy, result-oriented and focused on academic performance like some Chinese. However, most Indian parents are nurturers and affectionate. Apparently, some Chinese parents don’t allow kids to watch TV, but in India it’s an over- dose of TV, computers and other gizmos,” says child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Chirag Sen.

So what does it really take for today's mothers to produce a generation of achievers? Many Indian mothers and youngsters believe that it only takes the right way to approach the children and share their opinions with them.

“Medical science has proven that children today are smarter than their parents. They ought to be trusted and respected. Not that they pay heed to what you say. Just that you have to know how to say it,” says Sneha Gulati, mother of two teenage daughters. “If my parents want me to excel in my career, that’s because they love me and want to see me happy in life. They are always the first ones to hold me each time I fall. They are the ones who cheer me up, every time I lose. And this is what makes their dreams, mine,” says Falon David, a Bangalore-based MBA aspirant. For many youngsters like Sunidhi Chopra, freedom comes with acceptable conditions. “My parents are my friends. I can’t be out too late, but that’s fine with me. Sleep-over is ok only with friends whom my parents know. The best part is that we understand and respect each other’s viewpoint.”

If modern-day ads are really imitating life, we could well believe that more and more Indian mothers are increasingly accepting the weaknesses of their children and just letting them be.

(This article was featured in BR International, a HongKong publication)